I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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