I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
