I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
