i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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