yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
