my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
