Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
