Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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