DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
