her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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