I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
