Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
