Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
