Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
