Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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