My boss' voice literally gives me gas
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Even my vagina gasped.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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