Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
