new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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