i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
