dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
