Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Less talking, more tequila
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
