Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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