The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am midnight drunk by noon
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
