She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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