I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
