I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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