She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
