I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Randomize
