I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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