I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
