Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
