he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
