happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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