Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
