if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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