I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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