I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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