moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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