I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
