Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
