and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
