If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
two words: eviction party
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
