If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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