I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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