I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
