i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
