so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
