Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
