Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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