his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
