My hand turned me down
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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