Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
