Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
